I’ve been found out. My ambivalent mother’s personality has been breached, via an e-mail I received.
A retired missionary and precious saint who I love and respect, wrote,
Would like an update on Joey’s surgery. I’ve been real concerned about him and about you not being able to be with him. You sound so positive on your blog but I know a mother’s heart.”
Yeah, I did sound positive a few posts back, didn’t I? And I did mean those things. Yet that was my “faith front”, the outside that I show the world. It’s not fake, however. It’s very real, except…there’s always more. It is the “more” that we keep out of sight from others.
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My “more” is woven inside my mother’s heart, just like my missionary friend had correctly identified. Indeed, that heart has been pricked often in the past few weeks, causing drops of guilt, longing, and disappointment to leak.
Our son says he feels like a mountain has fallen on him and he is there to bear it alone (the decisions, rehab, possibility of falling behind and losing a semester, medical bills, etc.). Sure, kid, take a knife and cut my heart out, will ya?
I can do little more than pray for him. I would run out and get a job to help him pay his bills – but I can’t. I would fly up and spend some time with him – but I can’t. I would bake him cookies or cook his favorite meal – but I can’t.
So I pray. And I have found when I pray, my mother’s heart does not magically become desensitized or numb. No, I still feel the pain and the longing, but it is with the sense that my heart is being soothed by the whisper of His spirit.
With that comes an assurance that I am not bearing this alone, that the One holding my heart identifies with my pain and gives me courage to go another round in this struggle.
What’s more is the confidence that comes that His eye is on my sparrow that is thousands of miles away. I see in my spirit that God is working in my son’s life, strengthening his faith and building his character, able to do exceeding abundantly for him more than I can even ask or think.
I believe that completely and still the tears can appear – because I’m a mom, and because I’m human.
Perhaps I haven’t been found out. You probably knew all along.